True Hero: Jeff Doesn’t Have a Problem With People Being Gay or Whatever

As pride month parades and parties roll around, it is only fitting that we take time to focus on the true heroes working to make it possible to freely celebrate LGBTQ identities. Meet Jeff, the straight guy who doesn’t have a problem with people being gay or whatever.

A proud and vocal straight ally, Jeff is almost as eager to talk about his approach to allyship as he is to talk about the fact that he is straight. “I mean I’m not gay or anything,” he clarified, “but I don’t have an issue with letting other people be like that.” This bold statement came as a relief to the many individuals anxiously awaiting Jeff’s personal approval of their sexual orientation.

Jeff’s support for the LGBTQ community is not just pollitical, but personal as well. Jeff has a self-reported “lots of gay friends,” though the only one who could be referenced by name was Patrick From College. Speaking on Jeff’s memorable place in his educational journey, Patrick recalled, “Yeah, I remember him. We lived on the same floor sophomore year I think.”

Asked to speak about the personal impact of Jeff’s allyship, Patrick explained, “Having come from an environment people were openly hostile towards my existence, I guess it was nice to be around people like that who were pretty indifferent to it.”
“Yeah, that must be nice,” murmured Cara From Work, Patrick’s token trans friend.

Nearly unlimited in compassion, Jeff’s message of acceptance spreads to all except those who are making a big deal about it and shoving it in his face. “I mean you can be gay or whatever, but some people get all weird and make their whole personality about that,” Jeff explained before noting for the fifth time today that he is a heterosexual.

The community is lucky to have Jeff as role model to show what it means to be so open and proud of one’s sexuality. Nonetheless, as he is always willing to see beyond the labels and categories that divide us, Jeff doesn’t even let his heterosexuality stop him from making appearances at a local local lesbian bar.

For his modest-but-not-unnoticed efforts, Jeff can certainly expect to be a top ally award candidate with major advocacy organizations, as soon as his music career takes off.


Note: since the initial release of this article, Jeff has contacted the publication asking us to clarify that he is heterosexual.

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For all the boys who called me “exotic”

I had heard it enough to know you meant:

That I was desirable so long as I was shrouded in that cloud of mystique
(which was mostly just the fog in your eyes
but I didn’t have the heart to point out the difference)

And your foggy eyes lit up when you saw in me
Some alien freak here to show you a whole new #$@%ing world
So I tried to say that I’m really from this planet
And you’re not really the center of it
And between the deadness of Venus and Mars
We’re all life on Earth just trying to make it

But as you looked down to Earth
All you could see
Was some exotic fruit here for your consumption
To suck on the flesh and throw out the core


Despite my best efforts, I seem to have become one of those people who writes emotional poetry on the internet. Oh well. 

We Need to Reject the Gay Agenda (Until it Switches to my New Organizer App)

Since the release of the news that Disney movies are now kind of gay-ish, I have received many calls to my organization A Trillion and Four Uncles expressing concern over the Gay Agenda.

Indeed, the Gay Agenda might seem like a recent development, particularly for those of us who grew up in a culture where children’s movies were only a place for wholesome stories of teen marriage and beastiality. But in fact, it must have been around for a really long time, because it’s still written in one of those old-school pocketbook paper agendas.

agendaI find this unacceptable as a parent, a citizen, and especially as an app developer: that’s why I urge the Gay Agenda to switch to my new organizer App, Organ-Eyes, a secure and fun way to keep track of all your daily, weekly, and monthly agendas (available for iPhone and Android) . 

What’s next on the Gay Agenda? Erasing the natural boundaries between the sexes? Dismantling the nuclear family as the fundamental unit of society? Eroding our nation’s global power by loosening the masculinity of our young men? Probably something cool like that, but it’s really hard to tell when its written in chicken-scratch handwriting with a leaky pen. Organ-Eyes, however, clears up any ambiguity by allowing you to zoom in on the details each item, clearly color-coded by priority, with customizable fonts and text size.

The Gay Agenda has the potential to bring down the basic structures of gender, family, and sexual conduct that have defined years of Western civilization. But it also has the potential to not do that if it gets lost, stolen, or rained on too much. We can’t take that risk with our future. Organ-Eyes automatically syncs all changes to a secure cloud back-up, keeping it safe for years to come.

The Gay Agenda has been proliferating faster in recent years, with sexual and gender deviants increasingly making their way into mainstream television, movies, government offices, history textbooks, and probably your apartment building. But it hasn’t been proliferating that fast. It could be proliferating much faster if it made use of the Organ-Eyes social features, which allow users to simultaneously publicize new events on all social media platforms and send automatic invites to subscribers.

The Gay Agenda stands to tear apart and rearrange the fundamental moral fabric of America. But as fun as patchwork quilting is, it’s also inefficient, aesthetically messy, and technologically outdated, just like pocketbook agendas. For these reasons, we must stand against the Gay Agenda it until it digitizes. With Organ-Eyes.

To take a stand, please sign the petition on A Trillion and Four Uncles’ Facebook page.

———

Disclosure: This post is only vaguely affiliated with the Gay Mafia™.

Bisexual Visibility Tips

Are you a chronically invisible bisexual struggling to have your sexuality acknowledged by mere mortals? In honor of Bisexual Visibility Day, here are some never-before-used bi visibility tips to try:

Disclaimer: these strategies have not been tested on humans, animals, plants, fungi, or unicorns, and I take no responsibility for any consequences

  • During any attendance call, stand up and shout “I’m queer and I’m here!”
  • Preface every statement you make with “In my bisexual opinion . . . “
  • As you lean in to kiss someone of the same gender boo, say “no homo.”
  • As you lean in to kiss someone of a different gender boo, say “no hetero.”
  • Generally interject “no hetero” into conversations at random intervals.
  • Stop the drive-through at McDonalds to critique the employees’ use of the phrase “choose a side.”
  • If you hear someone throwing around the phrase “That’s so gay,” call them out by saying “Actually, it might be so bisexual. Don’t assume.”
  • Talk to the guy on the corner with the “Gays are Destroying America” sign and ask that he also acknowledge the role of bisexuals in destroying America.
  • When someone tells you “good-bi” smile and say “I know I am.”

It’s entirely possible that after using these strategies, you’ll still be received with the same old “But you’re not like actually bi, right?” At this point, it might be time to give up and accept your invisibility. On the plus side, invisibility is a great addition to your LinkedIn “skills” section when applying to corporate spying jobs (I’m guessing that’s what “analyst” actually means, right?).

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Pro-tip for observers: bifocals are the only glasses with guaranteed bi visibility. Put them on and you’ll be seeing bisexuals everywhere.


Note: This is a joke, I think, but bi visibility isn’t, so I recommend checking out this for real information and suggestions on for fighting erasure.

 

Gym Dialogues

Girl: *loading weights*
Guy: You know, men are turned off by muscles.
Girl: Oh, don’t worry about that! Your muscles really aren’t that big at all!
Guy: I meant—
Girl: Maybe it’s something about your personality that’s turning them off…
Guy: Never mind I—
Girl: But don’t give up! I’m sure there’s somebody out there for everyone—even you!

Dancing in the Face of Violence

Some of my semi-coherent thoughts and feelings in of the recent shooting at Pulse. Love to the families of the victims, the LGBTQ and Latinx communities of Orlando, and anyone else who’s been having trouble making sense of world lately:

In an otherwise meh performance I saw on Saturday, there was one image that stuck with me all night: a cloud of smoke meant to resemble a bomb with people dancing tirelessly through it. The coexisting images of dancing and bombs, as if there were nothing contradictory about them, seemed as strangely affirming as it did absurd.

When I read the news on Sunday, the only thing that made sense to do was nothing. The next morning, the only other thing I could do was dance. It’s a pretty useless thing to be doing, but maybe that’s what made sense about it.

Some people have expressed shock that people could be shot in a place where they came to feel safe, have fun, and dance. But the truth is that queer clubs have always been sites of dancing in the face of danger. Maybe some of us are in a time, place, or social position that lets us forget it, but queer clubs around the world have grown up in the face of violence, whether from criminal attackers or law enforcement.

In this space, with this history, there’s no need to check the shooter’s race or religion or background to recognize a shooting as an act of terror—especially for queer people of color, it’s all too clear that targeted violence meant to invoke fear isn’t only something that comes from Muslims or brown people or immigrants.

And yet the very existence of clubs like Pulse—filled with dancing—is testament to everyone who has refused to let their body be paralyzed by that fear.

In the face of violence, dancing is a pretty useless thing to be doing. But maybe that’s kind of the point. Even when they’re after your life, you refuse to let them reduce your body and your movement to the bare functionalism of fight or flight.

Refusing to let them tell you what not to do with your body. Refusing to make it quieter and smaller as a plea for tolerance or safety. Asserting your will not just to survive, but to live. Demanding that your community be defined not just by oppression and death stories, but also by dancing and life stories.

Dancing through guns, through bombs, through tears, through fears. Keep dancing y’all.