We Need to Reject the Gay Agenda (Until it Switches to my New Organizer App)

Since the release of the news that Disney movies are now kind of gay-ish, I have received many calls to my organization A Trillion and Four Uncles expressing concern over the Gay Agenda.

Indeed, the Gay Agenda might seem like a recent development, particularly for those of us who grew up in a culture where children’s movies were only a place for wholesome stories of teen marriage and beastiality. But in fact, it must have been around for a really long time, because it’s still written in one of those old-school pocketbook paper agendas.

agendaI find this unacceptable as a parent, a citizen, and especially as an app developer: that’s why I urge the Gay Agenda to switch to my new organizer App, Organ-Eyes, a secure and fun way to keep track of all your daily, weekly, and monthly agendas (available for iPhone and Android) . 

What’s next on the Gay Agenda? Erasing the natural boundaries between the sexes? Dismantling the nuclear family as the fundamental unit of society? Eroding our nation’s global power by loosening the masculinity of our young men? Probably something cool like that, but it’s really hard to tell when its written in chicken-scratch handwriting with a leaky pen. Organ-Eyes, however, clears up any ambiguity by allowing you to zoom in on the details each item, clearly color-coded by priority, with customizable fonts and text size.

The Gay Agenda has the potential to bring down the basic structures of gender, family, and sexual conduct that have defined years of Western civilization. But it also has the potential to not do that if it gets lost, stolen, or rained on too much. We can’t take that risk with our future. Organ-Eyes automatically syncs all changes to a secure cloud back-up, keeping it safe for years to come.

The Gay Agenda has been proliferating faster in recent years, with sexual and gender deviants increasingly making their way into mainstream television, movies, government offices, history textbooks, and probably your apartment building. But it hasn’t been proliferating that fast. It could be proliferating much faster if it made use of the Organ-Eyes social features, which allow users to simultaneously publicize new events on all social media platforms and send automatic invites to subscribers.

The Gay Agenda stands to tear apart and rearrange the fundamental moral fabric of America. But as fun as patchwork quilting is, it’s also inefficient, aesthetically messy, and technologically outdated, just like pocketbook agendas. For these reasons, we must stand against the Gay Agenda it until it digitizes. With Organ-Eyes.

To take a stand, please sign the petition on A Trillion and Four Uncles’ Facebook page.

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Disclosure: This post is only vaguely affiliated with the Gay Mafia™.

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What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Princesses

I get it. Little girls have sparkly tiaras and Disney princess dolls thrown at them from every angle. So then some people panic that the “princessification of America” is threatening the development of empowered women (or at least non-spoiled-diva women).

But it’s a little strange that both the pro- and anti-princess camps tend to center their view of princess-hood around these three points:

Why is no one pointing out the fact that princesses are future queens? Why does no one respond to the girl (or boy) who wants to be a princess with “Okay, princesses get to rule a country when they grow up! What kinds of laws will you make in your kingdom?”

Bam. You’re talking leadership without having to take away anyone’s tiara.

Because look, I’m all for being critical of media and letting girls know that they can be lots of other things besides princesses–but even if Target rips some gender labels off its toys, gender stereotypes are not suddenly going to disappear. And continuing to position “femininity” as fundamentally opposed to “empowerment” isn’t helping anyone.

So if the tiara fits, take over the world in it.

The Early Years: Bechdel-Test-Passing Fairy Tales

In honor of #ThrowbackWednesday I’m digging through some of my elementary school creations. From my Kindergarden days, here’s the cleverly-titled hit The Princess Who Got Lost (with modern commentary):

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Fate or nominative determinism?

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The trees must have interfered with her cell reception, making her unable to use Google Maps. Or since this is from 2001, I guess she was probably using MapQuest on her pager or whatever.

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Our heroes emerge. And no, none of them are Prince Charming.

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Another lesson: don’t be ashamed to ask for directions. Also, princesses apparently change clothes really fast. And hair color.

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I was not afraid to go all abstract expressionism with the illustrations.

image-4I’m not sure if I’m feeling some queer subtext here, or if it’s a celebration of female friendship, not subordinated to romantic ideals, but my princesses were totally passing the Bechdel test way before Disney thought it was cool (sorry Frozen)Also, fluffy animals.

Does Disney Set an Unrealistic Standard of Natural Thermoregulation?

Background: my family is interesting (in a good way . . . sometimes). We saw Frozen, and while we all thought it was awesome, my mom had some concerns. Not about portrayals of romance, beauty, or power, but about the characters’ clothes not being heavy enough: “they’re gonna get hypothermia in those dresses!” Here’s what the world might be like if everyone was my mom:

Disney’s latest animated movie, Frozen, has raised controversy related to its portrayal of characters insufficiently dressed for the surrounding climate. Parents and advocacy groups warn that these types of media images can fuel already occurring, unhealthy trends of flip-flop-clad teenagers in below-freezing weather.

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Cold doesn’t bother you? Well it should.

Advocates have expressed concern that children of all genders are exposed to images of inadequate wardrobes, but Lisa Burns, head of the advocacy group Parents for the Representation of Sweaters, worries particularly about the lack of female role models demonstrating seasonally-appropriate clothing choices. She notes that while Kristoph, the movie’s primary male character, first appears in boots and a fur coat, suggesting that men can be both well-insulated and successful, the movie’s princesses are shown enduring blizzards in dresses with dangerously thin fabric. “I just want my daughters to see that real women wear earmuffs,” she says.

Childhood development specialist Andrea Frost claims that the unrealistic standard of natural thermoregulation imposed by Disney on young girls is simply dangerous. She points to the chorus of “Let it Go” a musical solo performed by Queen Elsa in which she proudly declares “the cold never bothered me anyway.” “Young women should know that not only is it normal to be bothered by extremely cold temperatures,” Frost explains, “but also that these temperatures can cause frostbite, hypothermia, and even organ failure, especially in the absence of heavy clothing. Unprotected cold is not something we should be glorifying as a society.”

Despite the criticisms, Frozen has become Disney’s second highest grossing animated film and has received praise for its animation and musical numbers. Disney representatives have yet to comment.