My Thesis (lol)

Did you know that, in addition to having assorted feelings on the internet, I have also been going to college for the past four years? Well, the one true motivation behind my education was to be on I can leave now.


Screenshoted from here!

Actual thesis here.


Academia: a Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a princess who lived in a shiny white tower which stretched above a big forest called The Real World. She had entered the tower when she was young so that she could escape from the scary market forces and tax monsters in forest.


Of course not everyone could get into the tower. To get through the gates, she had answer a very long set of riddles sent from voices higher up.

Every so often, she would have the opportunity to climb one story higher in the tower if she followed the rules. And she did. She would answer more long sets of riddles. She would do a special kind of magic, turning very small ideas into very big books. She would create perfect illusions, appearing to know everything when she didn’t. She would learn to speak in peculiar tongues so that no one below her could understand. And of course, she would worship the voices above her. And so, over the years, she steadily rose higher and higher.

Each story of the tower was narrower and narrower, and fewer and fewer people would rise each time. Sometimes, people wouldn’t pass the tests, or the magic drained all their energy. And some would choose to leave. Either way, they would be sent tumbling down, scraping their skin as they brushed the thorny treetops of The Real World and bruising their bones as they found themselves at the very bottom.

But those who rose had their eyes on the tower’s tiny top floor. If you made it to that level, the prize was that you got to stay there forever and never leave.

The towers had windows where the princess could look down upon the people in The Real World. With each level she rose, the people became smaller and more distant. The higher voices said that the further away you were from people, the better you could understand them. This seemed true enough: she could see wider and farther than ever, noticing their numbers and patterns in ways she never did before. But most of all, she could see how small and faceless these people were, and feel bigger herself.

columbia princess

But one day, as she looked out the window, she could no longer see people, only a mass of tiny dots. She thought about the floors above her with fewer people around and tinier people below. She was starting to miss seeing faces.

She began to sit on the windowsill, thinking about what it might be like to live outside. One of the voices above warned her: “When you’re down there, you’ll be just as small as all those people. They won’t care about your crown or your magic tricks, and they won’t listen to your funny words. But if you stay here and keep climbing, I think you can make it all the way to the top.”

But as she imagined getting higher, lonelier, and further from the ground, she wondered if she should make the jump before it got too far.


She hit the bottom and it hurt. The market forces blew away her crown and the tax monsters chased after her. She started crying “Take me back to my ivory tower!”

Yeah, I guess I’m feeling kind of cynical right now. 

You’ve Called the Grammar Police

If pedants ruled the world:

Hello? There’s two guys breaking into my house and I think they have—

I think you mean there are two guys.

Well yeah, and I think they—

You said “there is” two guys, which creates a mismatch in number between the subject and verb.

Look, I could care less about the mismatch

I think you mean that you couldn’t care less. “Could care less” would imply that you do indeed care quite a bit.

Right now I care about the guy that’s smashing my windows and—

Actually, it’s the guy who is smashing your windows. “That” is generally used to describe inanimate objects. Now there is some controversy surrounding the acceptability of using “that” and “who” interchangeably, but I tend to fall more in line with the traditionalists, who

LOOK, I’m not sure who I’m dealing with, but—



“Who” is exclusively a subject pronoun, and you used it to refer to the grammatical object. “I’m not sure with whom I am dealing” would be the correct—

JUST HELP! They’ve got my husband and—

You mean they have your husband. . .

. . .

Some people just won’t learn.


Academia: Focusing on What is Important Since Socrates or Something.



What Did I Do Today?

Let’s call it an exercise in minimalism.

I think there was some post-structuralism in there too. Yup. That.

So spring break is here. For now. Tomorrow I’m starting an “externship” (super short internship) at a non-profit that organizes musicals for foster care teens. But for now, I’m not getting up.