8 Tips for Better Self-Care (The True DIYer’s Health Care)

Has your physical or mental health been less than stellar lately? Well if you believe in personal responsibility and self-reliance, there is only one real explanation: inadequate self-care. Once you come to terms with the fact that no one else is going to care for you, enjoy these eight tips to step up your self-care game!

Relieve stress with a personal spa day!

Have you been feeling constantly on edge? Is it because you work two full-time jobs surrounded by annoying coworkers and still seem to have no money? Is it because you have a chronic disorder in which your brain keeps getting stuck in freakout mode? Or is it because you haven’t been treating yourself to enough bubble baths?

The third one is definitely worth a shot! Just fill up the tub with warm water, put in your favorite bath salts, and turn on some slow jams. If it’s not working, just keep trying! Crank up the volume. Crank up the temperature. Make bigger bubbles. No one said relaxation was gonna come easy, right?

Turns out that the ultimate superfood is the cure for everything! Have digestive issues? Incorporate more Kale into your diet! Feeling periodic bouts of exhaustion and dizziness? Drink some Kale juice! Have a tumor? Cover it up with some Kale* leaves! Pipes leaking? Stuff some Kale in them! Distracted by harassment at work? Stuff some Kale in your ears!

You’ll feel instantly better just knowing that you’re making spinach-eaters feel inadequate!

*Only works with true Oreganic™ Kale, produced exclusively in Oregon

Practice self-massage!
Experiencing back pain? Foot pain? Kidney pain? Eye pain? Existential pain? Most pain can be relieved by working through all those little knots in the muscles! If you don’t want to hire a specialist to give you a massage, you can do it all by yourself! Just work your way down the body, moving your hands in a circular needing motion, making sure you are avoiding all joints and hitting all of the tight spots. Especially ones those right in the middle of your back.

Can’t reach those? Well clearly you have not been going to advanced enough yoga classes.

Sleep more!
Looking tired? You should really be getting some more sleep! Sleep can do wonders for your metabolism, immune system, and personality, so you really should be sleeping like there’s no tomorrow! (Except there is a tomorrow, and it’s probably the deadline for a bunch of things that you should already be done with, so you better not sleep until those are finished.)

Just turn off the lights, relax, and avoid thinking about of all the time you’re wasting. Make sure you schedule your alarm to allow for 5 complete sleep cycles, but definitely not 5.5.

And make sure you get up early enough to do some decent contouring, so you don’t end up looking tired (remember, you want people to ask “do you even sleep?” based on your completion of an excessive workload, not based on your face)!

Buy leggings!
Nothing screams “health” like brand-new booty-hugging leggings. And can you even be considered to love yourself if you don’t own a pair of GooGoo Grapefruits? Order a pair online today and enter our sponsored promo code SELF17 to get a -4% discount! (One size fits everyone who deserves leggings. Opaque might be an overstatement.)

Combat anger with deep breathing!
Anger comes from many sources. You might be angry at your cheating partner, your abusive boss, incompetent politicians, or institutional racism. In any case, deep breathing is a great way to tame your anger so that it has no real-world consequences.

Just inhale through your upper left nostril until your lungs feel so full that they could explode. Now hold that inhale for 14.3 seconds before slowly releasing it through the right side of your trachea.

Before you get too far, this is a great time to look up the air quality in your neighborhood to make sure that you really want that much air in your lungs. If you happen to live in a dense urban area, within 50 miles of a factory or power plant, or in the same building as regular smokers, it’s actually probably better that you restrict all subsequent breaths to a moderately shallow level.

Try to clear your mind as you focus only on the rhythm of your inhales and exhales.

Hydrate by drinking your own tears!
Have you found yourself breaking down in tears on a daily basis? You’re not alone–it’s more common practice than you might think! But where most people go wrong is failing to replace lost fluids. Dehydration can quickly lead to dry skin and lethargy, so stop it in its tracks during your next breakdown! Collect your tears in your favorite mug, wine glass, or mason jar to sip on right away. The extra salt is great for helping your body absorb the hydration!

Running is scientifically proven to be the most effective form of cardiovascular exercise at taking you away from life’s problems fast. Run away from your joint issues. Run away from your unpaid bills. Run away from that dude on the sidewalk who just compared you to a piece of meat, which, by the way, is also something you shouldn’t eat. Run away from the future, which slowly catching up to you. Just run and run faster. And make sure you do it in air-cushioned sneakers or your tendonitis will be all your fault.


Above all, remember that this is America where you should be able to achieve optimal health and immortality if you work hard and put your mind to it! So stop complaining and start loving yourself more!


Note: Yes this is satire. Not that I’m against sleep or self-massage. But I can’t reach all of the tight spots either. 

Opinion: Inclusivity officially went too far when it started fixating on people who are not me

I have long considered myself a champion of equal rights, and I understand why it’s important to be accepting of different people. There was a time when people like me were not treated as full human beings, and I stand by the activists throughout history who fought to break beyond narrow definitions of personhood and citizenship and move us forward as a society.

Yet any positive idea can be distorted beyond its original intentions, and I fear that this has happened with progressive social justice movements in recent years. Things officially went too far when we started bickering over the interests of groups so insignificant, they consist only of people who are not me.

Social equality isn’t something that I see as a pollitical or partisan issue: I simply want to be accepted for who I am as a person. Yet some people have decided to politicize this message of basic respect and inclusion by bringing up divisive identities that don’t even include me or describe any relevant aspect of my life.

I absolutely believe in equality. But I’m not overly nitpicky about math–I also believe in doing the type of equations where you get to round off a bit the edges. It just so happens that I consider the edges of legitimate society to lie a few steps outside the scope of my experience.

If we want to move forward together, we need to stop getting caught up in the frivolities of identity politics, and focus on the interests of humanity in general, especially the most general form of humanity, which is me.

This is satire. I label my satire because real stuff can be equally weird.
I promise I will write something earnest and non-satirical in the near future.

We Need to Reject the Gay Agenda (Until it Switches to my New Organizer App)

Since the release of the news that Disney movies are now kind of gay-ish, I have received many calls to my organization A Trillion and Four Uncles expressing concern over the Gay Agenda.

Indeed, the Gay Agenda might seem like a recent development, particularly for those of us who grew up in a culture where children’s movies were only a place for wholesome stories of teen marriage and beastiality. But in fact, it must have been around for a really long time, because it’s still written in one of those old-school pocketbook paper agendas.

agendaI find this unacceptable as a parent, a citizen, and especially as an app developer: that’s why I urge the Gay Agenda to switch to my new organizer App, Organ-Eyes, a secure and fun way to keep track of all your daily, weekly, and monthly agendas (available for iPhone and Android) . 

What’s next on the Gay Agenda? Erasing the natural boundaries between the sexes? Dismantling the nuclear family as the fundamental unit of society? Eroding our nation’s global power by loosening the masculinity of our young men? Probably something cool like that, but it’s really hard to tell when its written in chicken-scratch handwriting with a leaky pen. Organ-Eyes, however, clears up any ambiguity by allowing you to zoom in on the details each item, clearly color-coded by priority, with customizable fonts and text size.

The Gay Agenda has the potential to bring down the basic structures of gender, family, and sexual conduct that have defined years of Western civilization. But it also has the potential to not do that if it gets lost, stolen, or rained on too much. We can’t take that risk with our future. Organ-Eyes automatically syncs all changes to a secure cloud back-up, keeping it safe for years to come.

The Gay Agenda has been proliferating faster in recent years, with sexual and gender deviants increasingly making their way into mainstream television, movies, government offices, history textbooks, and probably your apartment building. But it hasn’t been proliferating that fast. It could be proliferating much faster if it made use of the Organ-Eyes social features, which allow users to simultaneously publicize new events on all social media platforms and send automatic invites to subscribers.

The Gay Agenda stands to tear apart and rearrange the fundamental moral fabric of America. But as fun as patchwork quilting is, it’s also inefficient, aesthetically messy, and technologically outdated, just like pocketbook agendas. For these reasons, we must stand against the Gay Agenda it until it digitizes. With Organ-Eyes.

To take a stand, please sign the petition on A Trillion and Four Uncles’ Facebook page.


Disclosure: This post is only vaguely affiliated with the Gay Mafia™.

We Need Extreme Vetting (For Cabinet Nominees)

“The new vetting procedures block admission of individuals who engage in ‘acts of bigotry or hatred’ or ‘would oppress members of one race, one gender or sexual orientation.'”*

Like it or not, we need to implement extreme vetting procedures to protect our country from real threats–our current system is weak enough to some very dangerous individuals slip through the cracks and into high-level positions of the US executive administration. We’re letting in white nationalists, sexual abusers, climate change deniers, proponents of sexual orientation conversion therapy, ethically bankrupt bankers, and people determined to eliminate most of the government programs they’re in charge of.

It may not be politically correct to say this, but you’ve probably noticed the disproportionate number of white heterosexual Christian men coming in. I’m not saying they’re all bad people. There are some good ones, I’m sure. But let’s be honest, it’s not always good news when we see one of them walking around a Planned Parenthood.

I’m not going to say that we should keep all of them out. But if we care about the safety of our country, we absolutely need a tougher system to weed out the good ones from the rest. On top of basic qualifications and background checks, we need some values testing, to make sure they support gender and sexual equality, LGBT rights, religious liberty, the free press, and scientific thinking.

Admittedly, not everyone agrees that such strong action should be taken. Joe Schmoe, a bleeding heart Trump supporter argues, “Like our president, I believe that the cabinet is meant to be a sanctuary for the rejects of American society, a place where you can start anew, whether you have escaped the humiliation of the Republican presidential primaries, the struggle against oppressive regulations as an international oil executive, or repeated allegations of racial discrimination throughout your legal or financial career.”

“At the end of the day, cabinet nominees are just people, like you and I, in search of better jobs–even if they happen to be really unqualified for those jobs. If we believe in generosity and forgiveness, is it really fair to hold these poor government officials to the same harsh standards as people seeking refuge from war-torn nations?”

*Okay, this was actually just targeting refugees, but imagine we actually cared about these values enough to hold powerful people to them.

This is satire. Mostly. I label my satire because satire and actual news are looking increasingly similar.

On a serious note, I encourage everyone to stay updated on both the (currently blocked) Muslim-targeted refugee/travel ban and ongoing cabinet confirmation hearings, get involved, and to call your elected officials to keep them accountable.

It’s Time to Start a National Conversation on Mental Health, Change the Topic, and Not Come Back to it Until We Have To

With mental health issues entering recent headlines– from mental illness as a possible cause for mass violence to celebrities speaking publicly about their experiences– it has become clear that now is the time to begin a national conversation on mental health. Again. Not a very detailed one. Just until we get distracted with other stuff. 

Given that that mental illness is an deeply personal issue for many Americans, yet remains highly stigmatized in our culture, it can be an uncomfortable topic of conversation for all of us. Like seriously, really uncomfortable.

Still, we have no choice now but to begin this dialogue–at least for a couple days until we find something more pleasant to talk about. I’m sure a politician will tweet something inflammatory or some famous people will get divorced before it gets too awkward.

Mental health as a social issue encompasses a range of factors to address, including the role of mental diagnoses in our legal system, the assumed and actual relationships between violence and mental illness, the system of public funding for mental health care, the effects of socioeconomic conditions and workplace environment on mental health, the accessibility of psychological treatment for underserved communities, the moral implications of forced institutionalization, the misuse of medications in psychological treatment, the threat of social and professional discrimination based on mental health history, and the portrayal of mental illness in popular culture and media.

This may seem like a daunting set of tasks, but it’s time that we tackle the first two or three of them, call it a day, and push the rest to an indefinite “To Do” list. After all, we need to leave something to talk about after the next relevant crisis. (And don’t worry–as long as we don’t get very far down the list, we can still keep using “bipolar” and “anorexic” as insults for people we don’t like in the mean time.)

One thing is clear: starting this conversation is of immediate importance. And finishing it is something we’ll probably get around to doing one of these days, maybe when there’s not other stuff going on.

This is also precisely the type of conversation we need to have about race, sexual violence, homelessness, immigration, and a bunch of other things I don’t really care to list. 


This is satire. I label my satire because satire and actual news are starting to look pretty similar. 

Career Development With a Twist: How to Sell Your Inexperience as “Outsider Status”

Good morning hopeless millennials, and welcome to Career Development With a Twist, the only career development service which “Wow”s its own photos.

In our previous segment, we discussed how to hide inexperience to gain access to entry-level jobs. However, it turns out that in some cases*, a lack of experience and expertise can actually work to your advantage in a securing position that you are seriously unprepared for. Here are some sample lines for a cover letter, to help you spin your severe lack of qualification as a cool and exciting “outsider status:”

  • “Unlike doctors within the medical establishment, I can relate to the average patient–in that neither of us has been to medical school or knows what a spleen actually does.”
  • “With America’s test scores still lagging behind, it’s clear that professional educators are failing us. What we need is someone from the world of poultry production who’s ready to run a classroom like a factory farm.”
  • “It’s no secret that NYC architecture firms are biased towards architects who believe in the theory of gravity. It’s time to shake things up by hiring someone who doesn’t.”
  • “Do I know all those weird pig-Latin-y wordjumbles? No. A good lawyer needs no more words than the ones he can make up himself.”
  • “Anyone can take the time to learn air traffic protocols and standard landing procedures, but what you really need is a pilot who doesn’t need to play by the rules.”
  • America needs a president that–” oh sorry, too real.

*Disclaimer: results may vary, based on factors including but not limited to gender, race, socioeconomic class.

Career Development With a Twist: How to Fudge 3 Years of Professional Dance Experience

Greetings hopeless millennials, and welcome back to Career Development With a Twist, the career development service with no artificial preservatives!

This week’s edition is especially for you aspiring dancers approaching auditions with hopes of getting your foot in the door. If you have yet to book a paid dance job, you may find this door to be an endless revolving door, since everyone seems to want applicants with an elusive “3 years of prior professional dance experience.”


Breaking into the professional world like…

But have no fear! By making these simple stylistic and philosophical adjustments to your resume, even you can convince auditioners that you have enough professional experience to be allowed gain professional experience!

1. Expand your definition of “paid.”

Sure the common interpretation of a “professional” is someone who receives money for their work, but it can be beneficial to consider other types of performance compensation as equally valid.


  • Have you ever been provided with complimentary transportation for a performance? Can an elevator technically be considered a form of transportation?
  • Were there some pretzels or chips left in the dressing room to share? Salt has historically been recognized as a form of currency in many societies, so that’s basically the same as an edible paycheck.

(Disclaimer: A more inclusive definition of the term “paid” may come back to bite you if and when you ever get a job.)

2. Expand your definition of “dance job.”

The world is a stage, so any activity can technically be considered a performance opportunity. Highlight the dance aspect of any paid job you have held, and you might find that you’ve been a “professional dancer” longer than you knew!


  • Instead of describing your position as an “Administrative Assistant,” try “Office Party Electric Slide Soloist.”
  • Instead of describing your summer experience as a “Lifeguard,” try “Durational Performance Art Piece: Exploring Stillness and Spectatorship.”

3. Work around the 3-year requirement by highlighting the subjectivity of time. 

How do you measure – measure a year? Include some comments with your date ranges to convince the directors that it’s too confusing to even try!


  • XYZ Dance Company 2014-2015 (But like time is relative to the speed of the observer, so don’t read too much into it.)
  • DeathTrap Theme Park Performer June 2016-August 2016 (If you subscribe to the construct of uniform measured time imposed by post-industrial capitalism)
  • Stevie’s Dance Project June 2015 (But it felt like 20 years–those rehearsals were awful.)