- The term “WiFi” is actually an abbreviation for “wildfire,” a nod to the original form of wireless communication, smoke signals.
- It is estimated that 5-10% of tomatoes are actually fruits, while the rest are merely vegetables.
- Technically, a doctorate in philosophy certifies you to prescribe certain psychedelic drugs.
- Elvis actually died of old age. He was lying about his age on his resume throughout his career, and moisturized frequently.
- Feminism isn’t actually about burning bras anymore. They stopped that practice in 1990 due to concerns about greenhouse gas emissions, and switched over to bra recycling.
- The Greek mathematicians Pythagoras and Isosceles, both known for their work on triangles, had a brief and tumultuous love affair in 550 BC–the little known origin of the term “love triangle.”
- There is no Nobel Prize for Attendance, because Alfred Nobel’s wife cheated on him with a guy who always showed up.
If you turn on the news these days, you’ll hear countless stories about pedestrians being severely injured or killed by cars. Now I don’t want to deny that these instances exist, nor do I want to diminish how uncomfortable it might be to be a pedestrian hit by a car.
But we need to put aside emotions and ask the obvious question: why aren’t we hearing about all the cars who have been hit by pedestrians?
I’m just saying, this kind of thing is a two-way street.
Pedestrians aren’t blameless victims here. Some of them walk too slow. Some of them walk at the wrong time. I think that some of them have annoying gaits. So when I hear that a pedestrian and a car have clashed, forgive me if I’m not immediately sympathetic to the pedestrian.
I’ve seen several pedestrians bump into each other, but for some reason, we are more easily outraged by vehicular manslaughter than pedestrian-on-pedestrian collisions.
Some would argue that not all parties in question have the same power to cause harm. Those same people might argue that death is worse than getting a dent in your Ferrari. However, those people have not experienced the deep and heartbreaking fear that comes with knowing that your own Ferrari could be damaged.
What I’m really trying to say here is that I have a Ferrari.
Finally, the much awaited* follow-up to Philosophy Majors Run Tech Support (Part 1):
Customer: Lately, I’ve noticed that my laptop battery has been dying really quickly. I’m not sure what the problem is.
Tech Support: Well would you really consider that a problem, given the alternative?
TS: With the inevitability of death, the only alternative to dying quickly is dying slowly.
Which is better? It’s hard to say for sure.
Would you rather have a slow decline, with enough time to plan for the end–but also enough time to dwell upon every grain of vitality that slips away, until down to just a sliver? Or would you rather have that life yanked away with hardly any warning–but hardly any dreading anticipation either?
But perhaps the question comes down to not just how quickly it dies, but how quickly it lives.
Some seek to race through their existence, leading lives which end quickly, but not before getting their share of excitement and danger and joy and conflict and achievement and loss. Others are equally content to languor along the journey, leading lives which are longer, if less densely packed. Perhaps the only real tragedy is to die faster than one lives.
So you ought focus not so much on how much time passes before your battery trickles away to zero, but on what actions it produces in that fleeting window of power.
C: Uh yeah, I guess I was running a lot of apps at the same time, if that’s what you’re getting at.
C: I’m trying to update my software on my phone, but it says that I don’t have enough space. Do I have to delete a bunch stuff from memory before I can get the new version?
TS: Ah, the dilemma of progress. At times, it seems that we must choose between holding on to our memories of the past and moving onto to future.
There are those who remain attached to their pasts and refuse to relinquish them in order to hop on the latest bandwagon of “progress.” They ignore the nagging messages to bring themselves up-to-date, unconvinced that the newest tools have as much worth as their stockpile of moments, conversations, and personal history, weighted with nostalgia and lessons learned.
Eventually, these people will get left behind, unable to function properly in the world we live in, unable to communicate with those who have moved on, unable to accept new developments.
But these people are not the only ones who are misguided.
You may be eager to wipe away your past for the promise of something newer and better. You don’t want that weight slowing down your forward progression.
But often, you’ll find that the moment of change is not the great leap forward that you imagined would render all your previous experiences irrelevant. And as you advance in shaky half-steps, you’ll still need those same old memories to make sense of the present.
Because you know what they say about those who forget history . . . Though you are always looking forward, you find yourself in repeating cycle: making moments to delete as you jump into the next round, never holding on, never building up.
For genuine progress, we need to find a space for our past memories to be held and referenced, without allowing them to dominate the forefronts of our lives.
C: So you’re saying that I should make a backup before I erase stuff from the phone? Got it.
*By whom? Maybe just me.
As pride month parades and parties roll around, it is only fitting that we take time to focus on the true heroes working to make it possible to freely celebrate LGBTQ identities. Meet Jeff, the straight guy who doesn’t have a problem with people being gay or whatever.
A proud and vocal straight ally, Jeff is almost as eager to talk about his approach to allyship as he is to talk about the fact that he is straight. “I mean I’m not gay or anything,” he clarified, “but I don’t have an issue with letting other people be like that.” This bold statement came as a relief to the many individuals anxiously awaiting Jeff’s personal approval of their sexual orientation.
Jeff’s support for the LGBTQ community is not just pollitical, but personal as well. Jeff has a self-reported “lots of gay friends,” though the only one who could be referenced by name was Patrick From College. Speaking on Jeff’s memorable place in his educational journey, Patrick recalled, “Yeah, I remember him. We lived on the same floor sophomore year I think.”
Asked to speak about the personal impact of Jeff’s allyship, Patrick explained, “Having come from an environment people were openly hostile towards my existence, I guess it was nice to be around people like that who were pretty indifferent to it.”
“Yeah, that must be nice,” murmured Cara From Work, Patrick’s token trans friend.
Nearly unlimited in compassion, Jeff’s message of acceptance spreads to all except those who are making a big deal about it and shoving it in his face. “I mean you can be gay or whatever, but some people get all weird and make their whole personality about that,” Jeff explained before noting for the fifth time today that he is a heterosexual.
The community is lucky to have Jeff as role model to show what it means to be so open and proud of one’s sexuality. Nonetheless, as he is always willing to see beyond the labels and categories that divide us, Jeff doesn’t even let his heterosexuality stop him from making appearances at a local local lesbian bar.
For his modest-but-not-unnoticed efforts, Jeff can certainly expect to be a top ally award candidate with major advocacy organizations, as soon as his music career takes off.
Note: since the initial release of this article, Jeff has contacted the publication asking us to clarify that he is heterosexual.
Has your physical or mental health been less than stellar lately? Well if you believe in personal responsibility and self-reliance, there is only one real explanation: inadequate self-care. Once you come to terms with the fact that no one else is going to care for you, enjoy these eight tips to step up your self-care game!
Relieve stress with a personal spa day!
Have you been feeling constantly on edge? Is it because you work two full-time jobs surrounded by annoying coworkers and still seem to have no money? Is it because you have a chronic disorder in which your brain keeps getting stuck in freakout mode? Or is it because you haven’t been treating yourself to enough bubble baths?
The third one is definitely worth a shot! Just fill up the tub with warm water, put in your favorite bath salts, and turn on some slow jams. If it’s not working, just keep trying! Crank up the volume. Crank up the temperature. Make bigger bubbles. No one said relaxation was gonna come easy, right?
Turns out that the ultimate superfood is the cure for everything! Have digestive issues? Incorporate more Kale into your diet! Feeling periodic bouts of exhaustion and dizziness? Drink some Kale juice! Have a tumor? Cover it up with some Kale* leaves! Pipes leaking? Stuff some Kale in them! Distracted by harassment at work? Stuff some Kale in your ears!
You’ll feel instantly better just knowing that you’re making spinach-eaters feel inadequate!
*Only works with true Oreganic™ Kale, produced exclusively in Oregon
Experiencing back pain? Foot pain? Kidney pain? Eye pain? Existential pain? Most pain can be relieved by working through all those little knots in the muscles! If you don’t want to hire a specialist to give you a massage, you can do it all by yourself! Just work your way down the body, moving your hands in a circular needing motion, making sure you are avoiding all joints and hitting all of the tight spots. Especially ones those right in the middle of your back.
Can’t reach those? Well clearly you have not been going to advanced enough yoga classes.
Looking tired? You should really be getting some more sleep! Sleep can do wonders for your metabolism, immune system, and personality, so you really should be sleeping like there’s no tomorrow! (Except there is a tomorrow, and it’s probably the deadline for a bunch of things that you should already be done with, so you better not sleep until those are finished.)
Just turn off the lights, relax, and avoid thinking about of all the time you’re wasting. Make sure you schedule your alarm to allow for 5 complete sleep cycles, but definitely not 5.5.
And make sure you get up early enough to do some decent contouring, so you don’t end up looking tired (remember, you want people to ask “do you even sleep?” based on your completion of an excessive workload, not based on your face)!
Nothing screams “health” like brand-new booty-hugging leggings. And can you even be considered to love yourself if you don’t own a pair of GooGoo Grapefruits? Order a pair online today and enter our sponsored promo code SELF17 to get a -4% discount! (One size fits everyone who deserves leggings. Opaque might be an overstatement.)
Combat anger with deep breathing!
Anger comes from many sources. You might be angry at your cheating partner, your abusive boss, incompetent politicians, or institutional racism. In any case, deep breathing is a great way to tame your anger so that it has no real-world consequences.
Just inhale through your upper left nostril until your lungs feel so full that they could explode. Now hold that inhale for 14.3 seconds before slowly releasing it through the right side of your trachea.
Before you get too far, this is a great time to look up the air quality in your neighborhood to make sure that you really want that much air in your lungs. If you happen to live in a dense urban area, within 50 miles of a factory or power plant, or in the same building as regular smokers, it’s actually probably better that you restrict all subsequent breaths to a moderately shallow level.
Try to clear your mind as you focus only on the rhythm of your inhales and exhales.
Hydrate by drinking your own tears!
Have you found yourself breaking down in tears on a daily basis? You’re not alone–it’s more common practice than you might think! But where most people go wrong is failing to replace lost fluids. Dehydration can quickly lead to dry skin and lethargy, so stop it in its tracks during your next breakdown! Collect your tears in your favorite mug, wine glass, or mason jar to sip on right away. The extra salt is great for helping your body absorb the hydration!
Running is scientifically proven to be the most effective form of cardiovascular exercise at taking you away from life’s problems fast. Run away from your joint issues. Run away from your unpaid bills. Run away from that dude on the sidewalk who just compared you to a piece of meat, which, by the way, is also something you shouldn’t eat. Run away from the future, which slowly catching up to you. Just run and run faster. And make sure you do it in air-cushioned sneakers or your tendonitis will be all your fault.
Above all, remember that this is America where you should be able to achieve optimal health and immortality if you work hard and put your mind to it! So stop complaining and start loving yourself more!
Note: Yes this is satire. Not that I’m against sleep or self-massage. But I can’t reach all of the tight spots either.
I have long considered myself a champion of equal rights, and I understand why it’s important to be accepting of different people. There was a time when people like me were not treated as full human beings, and I stand by the activists throughout history who fought to break beyond narrow definitions of personhood and citizenship and move us forward as a society.
Yet any positive idea can be distorted beyond its original intentions, and I fear that this has happened with progressive social justice movements in recent years. Things officially went too far when we started bickering over the interests of groups so insignificant, they consist only of people who are not me.
Social equality isn’t something that I see as a pollitical or partisan issue: I simply want to be accepted for who I am as a person. Yet some people have decided to politicize this message of basic respect and inclusion by bringing up divisive identities that don’t even include me or describe any relevant aspect of my life.
I absolutely believe in equality. But I’m not overly nitpicky about math–I also believe in doing the type of equations where you get to round off a bit the edges. It just so happens that I consider the edges of legitimate society to lie a few steps outside the scope of my experience.
If we want to move forward together, we need to stop getting caught up in the frivolities of identity politics, and focus on the interests of humanity in general, especially the most general form of humanity, which is me.
This is satire. I label my satire because real stuff can be equally weird.
I promise I will write something earnest and non-satirical in the near future.