My Thesis (lol)

Did you know that, in addition to having assorted feelings on the internet, I have also been going to college for the past four years? Well, the one true motivation behind my education was to be on lolmythesis.com. I can leave now.

lolmy

Screenshoted from here!

Actual thesis here.

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Opinion: Inclusivity officially went too far when it started fixating on people who are not me

I have long considered myself a champion of equal rights, and I understand why it’s important to be accepting of different people. There was a time when people like me were not treated as full human beings, and I stand by the activists throughout history who fought to break beyond narrow definitions of personhood and citizenship and move us forward as a society.

Yet any positive idea can be distorted beyond its original intentions, and I fear that this has happened with progressive social justice movements in recent years. Things officially went too far when we started bickering over the interests of groups so insignificant, they consist only of people who are not me.

Social equality isn’t something that I see as a pollitical or partisan issue: I simply want to be accepted for who I am as a person. Yet some people have decided to politicize this message of basic respect and inclusion by bringing up divisive identities that don’t even include me or describe any relevant aspect of my life.

I absolutely believe in equality. But I’m not overly nitpicky about math–I also believe in doing the type of equations where you get to round off a bit the edges. It just so happens that I consider the edges of legitimate society to lie a few steps outside the scope of my experience.

If we want to move forward together, we need to stop getting caught up in the frivolities of identity politics, and focus on the interests of humanity in general, especially the most general form of humanity, which is me.


This is satire. I label my satire because real stuff can be equally weird.
I promise I will write something earnest and non-satirical in the near future.

We Need to Reject the Gay Agenda (Until it Switches to my New Organizer App)

Since the release of the news that Disney movies are now kind of gay-ish, I have received many calls to my organization A Trillion and Four Uncles expressing concern over the Gay Agenda.

Indeed, the Gay Agenda might seem like a recent development, particularly for those of us who grew up in a culture where children’s movies were only a place for wholesome stories of teen marriage and beastiality. But in fact, it must have been around for a really long time, because it’s still written in one of those old-school pocketbook paper agendas.

agendaI find this unacceptable as a parent, a citizen, and especially as an app developer: that’s why I urge the Gay Agenda to switch to my new organizer App, Organ-Eyes, a secure and fun way to keep track of all your daily, weekly, and monthly agendas (available for iPhone and Android) . 

What’s next on the Gay Agenda? Erasing the natural boundaries between the sexes? Dismantling the nuclear family as the fundamental unit of society? Eroding our nation’s global power by loosening the masculinity of our young men? Probably something cool like that, but it’s really hard to tell when its written in chicken-scratch handwriting with a leaky pen. Organ-Eyes, however, clears up any ambiguity by allowing you to zoom in on the details each item, clearly color-coded by priority, with customizable fonts and text size.

The Gay Agenda has the potential to bring down the basic structures of gender, family, and sexual conduct that have defined years of Western civilization. But it also has the potential to not do that if it gets lost, stolen, or rained on too much. We can’t take that risk with our future. Organ-Eyes automatically syncs all changes to a secure cloud back-up, keeping it safe for years to come.

The Gay Agenda has been proliferating faster in recent years, with sexual and gender deviants increasingly making their way into mainstream television, movies, government offices, history textbooks, and probably your apartment building. But it hasn’t been proliferating that fast. It could be proliferating much faster if it made use of the Organ-Eyes social features, which allow users to simultaneously publicize new events on all social media platforms and send automatic invites to subscribers.

The Gay Agenda stands to tear apart and rearrange the fundamental moral fabric of America. But as fun as patchwork quilting is, it’s also inefficient, aesthetically messy, and technologically outdated, just like pocketbook agendas. For these reasons, we must stand against the Gay Agenda it until it digitizes. With Organ-Eyes.

To take a stand, please sign the petition on A Trillion and Four Uncles’ Facebook page.

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Disclosure: This post is only vaguely affiliated with the Gay Mafia™.

Life Lessons: We Need to Stop Putting People in Boxes (and Put them in my Boutique Mason Jars Instead)

It’s tempting to try to put people into boxes based on things like race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or appearance. I used to do it myself, until I realized that people are multifaceted individuals that shouldn’t be shut away into boxes–they should be contained in equally unique boutique mason jars instead. These high-quality designer jars, made from stained sea glass, can be purchased on my Etsy store for only $49.99 plus shipping.

rainbow2bjars

Truly valuing people for who they are isn’t always easy. We live in a world that always wants to put labels on people. But I now realize that a label is a flimsy and superficial way to represent who someone is as a person. I now reject labels and insist that all people should be monogramed by hand. Please private message me to place a custom order for etched and embroidered calligraphy for only $60 per letter (with a little extra for those weird letters, like “q”).

Also, I totally don’t see color, except for the soft yet spicy pastels of my spring scarf collection, coming out next month. Invest in the future, and pre-order yours today!

Philosophy Majors Run Tech Support (Part 1)

Customer: My computer has started running way too slow and I don’t know why.

Tech Support: How does one know what is “too slow?”

C: Well, when I tried to open my email client the other day, it stalled for–

TS: How can you be sure that it is the computer? Perhaps it is your expectations that are running too fast. Or your subjective perception of time that is running too slow.

And, of course, what defines the limits of appropriate speed? Perhaps this circumstance is an exercise in patience. Because what is true patience but the willingness to accept any arrangement of events in time as it appears, without pre-attachment to one possible arrangement over another?


C: I think I’ve been hacked, and I’m concerned about having my identity stolen. The other day when I was checking my bank–

TS: Identity theft? Do you see where you’ve been mistaken?

C: Um, well sometimes I use non-secure wi-fi, and–

TS: You believed that your identity was yours to take. That it was something fixed and distinct that you could outline and contain, never infliltrated by the other voices that cross it, never molding to its present surroundings, always distinguishable from the environment in which it grew.

Some say that property is theft. By that standard, the very act of claiming your identity as your property can only described as identity theft, stealing that persona away from the surrounding world which continuously recreates and reabsorbs it in the everyday microdynamics of social exchange.


C: I’ve heard this isn’t regular tech support, so I thought I’d ask: What’s the meaning of life?

TS: Um . . . *Checks manual* Have you tried turning it off and then on aga–wait, wrong page.

 

We Need Extreme Vetting (For Cabinet Nominees)

“The new vetting procedures block admission of individuals who engage in ‘acts of bigotry or hatred’ or ‘would oppress members of one race, one gender or sexual orientation.'”*

Like it or not, we need to implement extreme vetting procedures to protect our country from real threats–our current system is weak enough to some very dangerous individuals slip through the cracks and into high-level positions of the US executive administration. We’re letting in white nationalists, sexual abusers, climate change deniers, proponents of sexual orientation conversion therapy, ethically bankrupt bankers, and people determined to eliminate most of the government programs they’re in charge of.

It may not be politically correct to say this, but you’ve probably noticed the disproportionate number of white heterosexual Christian men coming in. I’m not saying they’re all bad people. There are some good ones, I’m sure. But let’s be honest, it’s not always good news when we see one of them walking around a Planned Parenthood.

I’m not going to say that we should keep all of them out. But if we care about the safety of our country, we absolutely need a tougher system to weed out the good ones from the rest. On top of basic qualifications and background checks, we need some values testing, to make sure they support gender and sexual equality, LGBT rights, religious liberty, the free press, and scientific thinking.

Admittedly, not everyone agrees that such strong action should be taken. Joe Schmoe, a bleeding heart Trump supporter argues, “Like our president, I believe that the cabinet is meant to be a sanctuary for the rejects of American society, a place where you can start anew, whether you have escaped the humiliation of the Republican presidential primaries, the struggle against oppressive regulations as an international oil executive, or repeated allegations of racial discrimination throughout your legal or financial career.”

“At the end of the day, cabinet nominees are just people, like you and I, in search of better jobs–even if they happen to be really unqualified for those jobs. If we believe in generosity and forgiveness, is it really fair to hold these poor government officials to the same harsh standards as people seeking refuge from war-torn nations?”


*Okay, this was actually just targeting refugees, but imagine we actually cared about these values enough to hold powerful people to them.


This is satire. Mostly. I label my satire because satire and actual news are looking increasingly similar.

On a serious note, I encourage everyone to stay updated on both the (currently blocked) Muslim-targeted refugee/travel ban and ongoing cabinet confirmation hearings, get involved, and to call your elected officials to keep them accountable.