True Hero: Jeff Doesn’t Have a Problem With People Being Gay or Whatever

As pride month parades and parties roll around, it is only fitting that we take time to focus on the true heroes working to make it possible to freely celebrate LGBTQ identities. Meet Jeff, the straight guy who doesn’t have a problem with people being gay or whatever.

A proud and vocal straight ally, Jeff is almost as eager to talk about his approach to allyship as he is to talk about the fact that he is straight. “I mean I’m not gay or anything,” he clarified, “but I don’t have an issue with letting other people be like that.” This bold statement came as a relief to the many individuals anxiously awaiting Jeff’s personal approval of their sexual orientation.

Jeff’s support for the LGBTQ community is not just pollitical, but personal as well. Jeff has a self-reported “lots of gay friends,” though the only one who could be referenced by name was Patrick From College. Speaking on Jeff’s memorable place in his educational journey, Patrick recalled, “Yeah, I remember him. We lived on the same floor sophomore year I think.”

Asked to speak about the personal impact of Jeff’s allyship, Patrick explained, “Having come from an environment people were openly hostile towards my existence, I guess it was nice to be around people like that who were pretty indifferent to it.”
“Yeah, that must be nice,” murmured Cara From Work, Patrick’s token trans friend.

Nearly unlimited in compassion, Jeff’s message of acceptance spreads to all except those who are making a big deal about it and shoving it in his face. “I mean you can be gay or whatever, but some people get all weird and make their whole personality about that,” Jeff explained before noting for the fifth time today that he is a heterosexual.

The community is lucky to have Jeff as role model to show what it means to be so open and proud of one’s sexuality. Nonetheless, as he is always willing to see beyond the labels and categories that divide us, Jeff doesn’t even let his heterosexuality stop him from making appearances at a local local lesbian bar.

For his modest-but-not-unnoticed efforts, Jeff can certainly expect to be a top ally award candidate with major advocacy organizations, as soon as his music career takes off.


Note: since the initial release of this article, Jeff has contacted the publication asking us to clarify that he is heterosexual.

 satire label

8 Tips for Better Self-Care (The True DIYer’s Health Care)

Has your physical or mental health been less than stellar lately? Well if you believe in personal responsibility and self-reliance, there is only one real explanation: inadequate self-care. Once you come to terms with the fact that no one else is going to care for you, enjoy these eight tips to step up your self-care game!

Relieve stress with a personal spa day!

Have you been feeling constantly on edge? Is it because you work two full-time jobs surrounded by annoying coworkers and still seem to have no money? Is it because you have a chronic disorder in which your brain keeps getting stuck in freakout mode? Or is it because you haven’t been treating yourself to enough bubble baths?

The third one is definitely worth a shot! Just fill up the tub with warm water, put in your favorite bath salts, and turn on some slow jams. If it’s not working, just keep trying! Crank up the volume. Crank up the temperature. Make bigger bubbles. No one said relaxation was gonna come easy, right?

Kale!
Turns out that the ultimate superfood is the cure for everything! Have digestive issues? Incorporate more Kale into your diet! Feeling periodic bouts of exhaustion and dizziness? Drink some Kale juice! Have a tumor? Cover it up with some Kale* leaves! Pipes leaking? Stuff some Kale in them! Distracted by harassment at work? Stuff some Kale in your ears!

You’ll feel instantly better just knowing that you’re making spinach-eaters feel inadequate!

*Only works with true Oreganic™ Kale, produced exclusively in Oregon

Practice self-massage!
Experiencing back pain? Foot pain? Kidney pain? Eye pain? Existential pain? Most pain can be relieved by working through all those little knots in the muscles! If you don’t want to hire a specialist to give you a massage, you can do it all by yourself! Just work your way down the body, moving your hands in a circular needing motion, making sure you are avoiding all joints and hitting all of the tight spots. Especially ones those right in the middle of your back.

Can’t reach those? Well clearly you have not been going to advanced enough yoga classes.

Sleep more!
Looking tired? You should really be getting some more sleep! Sleep can do wonders for your metabolism, immune system, and personality, so you really should be sleeping like there’s no tomorrow! (Except there is a tomorrow, and it’s probably the deadline for a bunch of things that you should already be done with, so you better not sleep until those are finished.)

Just turn off the lights, relax, and avoid thinking about of all the time you’re wasting. Make sure you schedule your alarm to allow for 5 complete sleep cycles, but definitely not 5.5.

And make sure you get up early enough to do some decent contouring, so you don’t end up looking tired (remember, you want people to ask “do you even sleep?” based on your completion of an excessive workload, not based on your face)!

Buy leggings!
Nothing screams “health” like brand-new booty-hugging leggings. And can you even be considered to love yourself if you don’t own a pair of GooGoo Grapefruits? Order a pair online today and enter our sponsored promo code SELF17 to get a -4% discount! (One size fits everyone who deserves leggings. Opaque might be an overstatement.)

Combat anger with deep breathing!
Anger comes from many sources. You might be angry at your cheating partner, your abusive boss, incompetent politicians, or institutional racism. In any case, deep breathing is a great way to tame your anger so that it has no real-world consequences.

Just inhale through your upper left nostril until your lungs feel so full that they could explode. Now hold that inhale for 14.3 seconds before slowly releasing it through the right side of your trachea.

Before you get too far, this is a great time to look up the air quality in your neighborhood to make sure that you really want that much air in your lungs. If you happen to live in a dense urban area, within 50 miles of a factory or power plant, or in the same building as regular smokers, it’s actually probably better that you restrict all subsequent breaths to a moderately shallow level.

Try to clear your mind as you focus only on the rhythm of your inhales and exhales.

Hydrate by drinking your own tears!
Have you found yourself breaking down in tears on a daily basis? You’re not alone–it’s more common practice than you might think! But where most people go wrong is failing to replace lost fluids. Dehydration can quickly lead to dry skin and lethargy, so stop it in its tracks during your next breakdown! Collect your tears in your favorite mug, wine glass, or mason jar to sip on right away. The extra salt is great for helping your body absorb the hydration!

Run!
Running is scientifically proven to be the most effective form of cardiovascular exercise at taking you away from life’s problems fast. Run away from your joint issues. Run away from your unpaid bills. Run away from that dude on the sidewalk who just compared you to a piece of meat, which, by the way, is also something you shouldn’t eat. Run away from the future, which slowly catching up to you. Just run and run faster. And make sure you do it in air-cushioned sneakers or your tendonitis will be all your fault.

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Above all, remember that this is America where you should be able to achieve optimal health and immortality if you work hard and put your mind to it! So stop complaining and start loving yourself more!

selfcare1


Note: Yes this is satire. Not that I’m against sleep or self-massage. But I can’t reach all of the tight spots either. 

My Thesis (lol)

Did you know that, in addition to having assorted feelings on the internet, I have also been going to college for the past four years? Well, the one true motivation behind my education was to be on lolmythesis.com. I can leave now.

lolmy

Screenshoted from here!

Actual thesis here.

Opinion: Inclusivity officially went too far when it started fixating on people who are not me

I have long considered myself a champion of equal rights, and I understand why it’s important to be accepting of different people. There was a time when people like me were not treated as full human beings, and I stand by the activists throughout history who fought to break beyond narrow definitions of personhood and citizenship and move us forward as a society.

Yet any positive idea can be distorted beyond its original intentions, and I fear that this has happened with progressive social justice movements in recent years. Things officially went too far when we started bickering over the interests of groups so insignificant, they consist only of people who are not me.

Social equality isn’t something that I see as a pollitical or partisan issue: I simply want to be accepted for who I am as a person. Yet some people have decided to politicize this message of basic respect and inclusion by bringing up divisive identities that don’t even include me or describe any relevant aspect of my life.

I absolutely believe in equality. But I’m not overly nitpicky about math–I also believe in doing the type of equations where you get to round off a bit the edges. It just so happens that I consider the edges of legitimate society to lie a few steps outside the scope of my experience.

If we want to move forward together, we need to stop getting caught up in the frivolities of identity politics, and focus on the interests of humanity in general, especially the most general form of humanity, which is me.


This is satire. I label my satire because real stuff can be equally weird.
I promise I will write something earnest and non-satirical in the near future.

We Need to Reject the Gay Agenda (Until it Switches to my New Organizer App)

Since the release of the news that Disney movies are now kind of gay-ish, I have received many calls to my organization A Trillion and Four Uncles expressing concern over the Gay Agenda.

Indeed, the Gay Agenda might seem like a recent development, particularly for those of us who grew up in a culture where children’s movies were only a place for wholesome stories of teen marriage and beastiality. But in fact, it must have been around for a really long time, because it’s still written in one of those old-school pocketbook paper agendas.

agendaI find this unacceptable as a parent, a citizen, and especially as an app developer: that’s why I urge the Gay Agenda to switch to my new organizer App, Organ-Eyes, a secure and fun way to keep track of all your daily, weekly, and monthly agendas (available for iPhone and Android) . 

What’s next on the Gay Agenda? Erasing the natural boundaries between the sexes? Dismantling the nuclear family as the fundamental unit of society? Eroding our nation’s global power by loosening the masculinity of our young men? Probably something cool like that, but it’s really hard to tell when its written in chicken-scratch handwriting with a leaky pen. Organ-Eyes, however, clears up any ambiguity by allowing you to zoom in on the details each item, clearly color-coded by priority, with customizable fonts and text size.

The Gay Agenda has the potential to bring down the basic structures of gender, family, and sexual conduct that have defined years of Western civilization. But it also has the potential to not do that if it gets lost, stolen, or rained on too much. We can’t take that risk with our future. Organ-Eyes automatically syncs all changes to a secure cloud back-up, keeping it safe for years to come.

The Gay Agenda has been proliferating faster in recent years, with sexual and gender deviants increasingly making their way into mainstream television, movies, government offices, history textbooks, and probably your apartment building. But it hasn’t been proliferating that fast. It could be proliferating much faster if it made use of the Organ-Eyes social features, which allow users to simultaneously publicize new events on all social media platforms and send automatic invites to subscribers.

The Gay Agenda stands to tear apart and rearrange the fundamental moral fabric of America. But as fun as patchwork quilting is, it’s also inefficient, aesthetically messy, and technologically outdated, just like pocketbook agendas. For these reasons, we must stand against the Gay Agenda it until it digitizes. With Organ-Eyes.

To take a stand, please sign the petition on A Trillion and Four Uncles’ Facebook page.

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Disclosure: This post is only vaguely affiliated with the Gay Mafia™.

Life Lessons: We Need to Stop Putting People in Boxes (and Put them in my Boutique Mason Jars Instead)

It’s tempting to try to put people into boxes based on things like race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or appearance. I used to do it myself, until I realized that people are multifaceted individuals that shouldn’t be shut away into boxes–they should be contained in equally unique boutique mason jars instead. These high-quality designer jars, made from stained sea glass, can be purchased on my Etsy store for only $49.99 plus shipping.

rainbow2bjars

Truly valuing people for who they are isn’t always easy. We live in a world that always wants to put labels on people. But I now realize that a label is a flimsy and superficial way to represent who someone is as a person. I now reject labels and insist that all people should be monogramed by hand. Please private message me to place a custom order for etched and embroidered calligraphy for only $60 per letter (with a little extra for those weird letters, like “q”).

Also, I totally don’t see color, except for the soft yet spicy pastels of my spring scarf collection, coming out next month. Invest in the future, and pre-order yours today!

Philosophy Majors Run Tech Support (Part 1)

Customer: My computer has started running way too slow and I don’t know why.

TC: How does one know what is “too slow?”

C: Well, when I tried to open my email client the other day, it stalled for–

TC: How can you be sure that it is the computer? Perhaps it is your expectations that are running too fast. Or your subjective perception of time that is running too slow.

And, of course, what defines the limits of appropriate speed? Perhaps this circumstance is an exercise in patience. Because what is true patience but the willingness to accept any arrangement of events in time as it appears, without pre-attachment to one possible arrangement over another?


C: I think I’ve been hacked, and I’m concerned about having my identity stolen. The other day when I was checking my bank–

TC: Identity theft? Do you see where you’ve been mistaken?

C: Um, well sometimes I use non-secure wi-fi, and–

TC: You believed that your identity was yours to take. That it was something fixed and distinct that you could outline and contain, never infliltrated by the other voices that cross it, never molding to its present surroundings, always distinguishable from the environment in which it grew.

Some say that property is theft. By that standard, the very act of claiming your identity as your property can only described as identity theft, stealing that persona away from the surrounding world which continuously recreates and reabsorbs it in the everyday microdynamics of social exchange.


C: I’ve heard this isn’t regular tech support, so I thought I’d ask: What’s the meaning of life?

TC: Um . . . *Checks manual* Have you tried turning it off and then on aga–wait, wrong page.