Drowning Dude: I’m drowning!
Lifeguard: I’m coming!
Commentator: I think we need to step back and reassess the implications of this interventionist approach. Would this promote the narrative that all swimmers are helpless and in need of saving–especially in a time when public swimming areas are being increasingly restricted?
Lifeguard: I mean this dude looks like he could use help now, but I guess I could think about…
LifeForce GuardTM: Wow is this wavering fool what passes as security these days? Our state-of-the-art LifeForce GuardTM is prepared to launch a team of high-powered motorboats.
Journalist: Dude, how do you feel about encouraging the presence of dangerous and high-pollution vehicles in a previously clean and open swimming environment?
Dude: I–I didn’t–just help, I’m drowning!
Swimmer’s Rights Organizer: We’d like to clarify that this dude’s statements are in no way representative of all swimmers. Our recent research indicates that the vast majority of swimmers are highly competent and never drown.
Thinkpiece Writer: Is this fixation on drowning just a distraction from the more pressing issue of sharks? Why is no one talking about sharks right now? Is it because pop culture figures such as “Baby Shark” and “Left Shark” have convinced us that sharks are innocuous or even friendly?
Drowning Dude: Just help, I’m drowning!
Hydration Advocate: Dude, would you consider adjusting your rhetoric to equally emphasize the positive impact of water in your life? While water is negatively impacting your experience through drowning, it is also responsible for all of your essential biological functions. With widespread trends in dehydration, we can’t afford to let water be demonized like this.
Academic: This fascinating discourse is as historically rooted as it is timely. I’d like to announce my presentation next month on “Enforcing the Air-Water Binary: On the Geological Prescriptivism of Dominant Interventions to Human-Immersion Phenomena”
Internet: Why did he go swimming though?