Following the news that presidential candidate Donald Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, the individual responsible for the nomination has clarified that the award was intended to be more about encouraging participation and self-esteem than reflecting actual diplomatic achievements.
The nominator–who is also a member of the Little League Baseball National Board–refuses release his actual name, but will hereafter be referred to as Joe Schmo.
“Sure, Donald’s peacemaking skills clearly aren’t up to par,” Schmo admits. The candidate is prone to make blunders like threatening discrimination against major religions and ethnic groups and relying on bombing as a diplomatic tool. “But I think that every politician deserves to feel like a real peacemaker, at least for a day, and this kid might never get that chance again.”
Schmo explains that the nomination can be thought of as more of a participation award, since Trump has at least been showing up . . . mostly. The candidate did stay home from a recent debate due to his high sensitivity to moderator criticism.
Yet Schmo sees this declining attendance and fear of criticism as evidence that Trump could benefit from a boost in confidence and motivation: “This kid really seems to suffer from low self-esteem, based on the way he constantly feels the need to make petty attacks on others.” Concerned that Trump could give up on peace altogether, he adds “This nomination might encourage him to try harder at making reasonable foreign policy decisions.”
Yet some deride this more lenient approach to awards as a deterioration of past standards. Former Norwegian Nobel Committee leader Gunnar Berge laments “Back in the day, not just everyone got a nomination–you had actually to do something like end Apartheid or open hospitals in disaster zones.” (While many of Berge’s generation share this nostalgia, it is worth noting that Hitler and Stalin have also been nominated in the past.)
Jennifer Stein–a developmental psychologist, specializing in presidential candidates and other children over the age of 50–expresses another set of concerns. She warns that offering children artificial successes creates unrealistic expectations of future success: “If we keep giving kids awards just for showing up, they start expecting to win all the time.” Stein believes that Trump has already fallen into this distorted mindset, pointing to his recent claims that “We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with winning.”
Schmo understands this concern, but doesn’t see the harm in protecting Trump’s fragile ego just a bit longer: “Look, I know Donald’s difficulty accepting failure is an issue, but he’s clearly going to be experiencing plenty of failure soon–if not in the primaries or general elections, then definitely as an incompetent president. I just thought it would be nice to let him feel a sense of accomplishment for now to soften the blow a bit.”
Schmo declined to comment on the other peace prize nominations, but encouraged those who were not nominated to “Just be patient, everyone will get a turn!” He also expressed hopes for some of the other categories: “I think [rapper and flat-earth advocate] B.O.B could really use a physics prize.”
Satire Disclaimer: no, not really.